Ugly, Angry Prego Momma

Well, she's back. 

The Ugly, Angry, Prego Momma side of me. 

I hate that lady.

She's so whiney.  And crabby.  And angry. 

About the little things. 
About things she's had to say what seems like 1,000 times during the day. 
About stuff laying around.
About feeling crummy.

It's ugly.

I was really hoping to miss out on seeing this gal again for this last time of being pregnant. 

But no. 

She's reared her ugly head again.  And I'm sure I'll be seeing her again tomorrow night.  And the next night.  And the next. 

See, she usually shows up at night when I start feeling yucky.  And because hubby has grown accustomed to doing whatever he needs to (sometimes it feels like 'whatever he'd like to' but I know better) during the evening hours so I end up here wrestling with her all alone.  That angry wench.

Well, not quite all alone.

There's Someone else here to help me.

But she's strong.  She's nasty.  And she's A-N-G-R-Y!

But He is stronger.  And He is faithful.  He will help get me through.  And He will forgive me if/when I let her win.


Psalm 16
Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. 
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." 
As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. 
The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. 
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. 
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. 
I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, 
because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. 
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

His mercies are new every morning....

I'm banking on it.
His mercies need to be new each morning.

And, as a mom, so do mine.

Last night, my husband and I crashed on our couch. Our child, our dear child, whom we love, was still wailing because of a consequence we handed him.
Frankly, we were all out of consequences. I mean, we were out. We were both stressed out, frustrated, angry and just wondering how on earth our child could be so naughty. In one day! I mean, he seemed to have crossed every bridge on the disobedience road. He crossed it with vengeance. We took away about every privilege we could. We threw away toys. I mean, it was like a new version of disobedience entered and would. not. leave.

My husband and I sat in silence for a while, waiting for the wailing to die down. We were both hoping the other person would be the one to climb the steps to deal with the crying child, but neither of us were moving. We were both upset. It was good to sit still for a while.

Then, finally, I got up. I hauled myself up the steps, up his ladder and into his top bunk. His crying had died down. He was still angry. So was I.

So I scratched his back. It was all I knew how to do anymore. I couldn't talk reason to him. I couldn't go back through what the day had been like. I couldn't even really address the situation that was making him cry so hard.

I just scratched.

Then I came downstairs again and I said to my husband "His mercies are new every morning...."
trying to reassure myself that His mercy towards me, when I lost my cool, when I got angry, when I was at my wit's end, would come again tomorrow morning. And that His mercies would reach my child as well.

Then my wise husband looked at me and reminded me: "Yours need to be new every morning too."

This morning I woke up and I was still frustrated. I was tired. I wanted to stay in bed.

But, I got up. And I went on a walk by myself. I was dreading the day, and I wrestled with the Lord a bit while I sweated my way back home.
"I have no control over him."
"If this is how he acts at this age, what is he going to be like later, in his teens?"
"What if I have to join one of those support groups when I'm older, those groups of Christian women who pray for their wayward children?"
"I don't know what to do!! I can't get him to obey me! I can't change his heart! I can't....."

And it hit me. That's just it.
I can't.

I can steer. I can inform. I can give consequences. I can give praise.
But I can't make him do what I want him to. What I hope he will do.
I can't be in control of all his actions.

I thought of my 1-year-old. I have a lot of control over that kiddo. I can pick him up and move him. I can put him in another room. There's not a whole lot of "heart issues" I have to work on with him.
It's a different story with my 3 and 5-year-olds.
I thought I had longer. But I don't. They want their own ways. Just like I do. And I watch them pursue their ways. By bullying their brothers. By being unkind. By lying. And it's painful.

So I need to pray. Pray for their hearts. Pray for their salvation. Pray for my own heart--that I would be forgiving. I would be merciful. I would be peaceful even when they are not.

Today there were still struggles, but not as many. Or, maybe there were as many, but the Lord graciously gave me a heaping helping of peace today.
Either way, I'm thankful for those mercies of His.

Kristin

Our children

There has been some drama in our neighborhood this past year.
They have put in a group home for mentally challenged young adults next door to our house. In fact, it's RIGHT next door. There's maybe a dozen feet that separates our wall and theirs.
The neighborhood was all a twitter. Meetings were held. Details shared. Views discussed.
What will this do to property value?
What will happen about all the lack of parking there is already on this crowded street in the middle of town?
What exactly does "mentally challenged" mean?

Lots of questions by our neighborhood.

Nate and I had decided that throughout this process, the Lord knew who would be moving in next door. Those neighbors of ours are there for a reason. The Lord planted us beside a kind couple just north of us and they have become "bonus grandparents" for our three boys. We have been stuck beside neighbors that have hated us, though too.
We get that when it comes to neighbors, you are at the Lord's mercy.
We were reminded of that again when we found out the plans for next door.

We have watched it form before our very eyes. We saw them dig. We saw them frame. For a mother of three boys, I almost wanted to send them a thank-you note for just keeping my kids occupied and fascinated the past couple months.

Today was the offical ribbon cutting. We showed up with various officials and various workers all wanting to tour the new facility. As we all assembled in front of the house to hear different people talk about their hopes for this new residence, I was struck especially about what one man's story.

He told the story of his son, who has autism. He talked about being away from his wife on a trip and her going to the doctor without him with his son. When she talked with him on the phone that night, he received the blow: his son had autism, the prospects didn't look good and it was even suggested that it was the mother's fault: that she had done something during her pregnancy to cause it.

He pointed to his wife crying a few feet away from me, whom I am sure was feeling a range of emotions as she remembered that appointment, that phone call and now here she was at this house. He explained that this has been a dream of theirs: a place for their son to live and thrive.
I was touched. I choked back a couple tears looking at my two boys standing beside me. By the grace of God, it wasn't my story.

We toured the home. One bedroom has heated floors because the resident who would live there doesn't like furniture. One bedroom is a lovely shade of purple: the color picked out by the only female that will live there. We were able to visit again with the manager of the place who took us on the tour himself. We met one of our new neighbors: Franklin, who apparently loves kids and looked directly at Phin and spoke to him in a way I didn't understand, but Phin smiled at him and said "hello" anyway, after a little urge from mom. There's a swing set in the back yard. We talked with the mom who stood crying earlier and she explained that if we heard swinging in the middle of the night, it would probably be her son.

Our neighbors next door became real to all of us today. We talked with them. We saw their parents. We looked at where they would be eating their meals.

We don't know our role yet as neighbors, but we will do what we can to make sure they know there are people next door who respect them, love Jesus, and will do what we can to help.


Kristin

This is not what I had planned

Yesterday was an interesting day.
I found out a childhood friend of mine lost her father to cancer.
Our radiator broke in our van and left Nate and the boys stranded across town.
I went on a walk and saw someone's driveway with the "Round the Clock Drainmasters" truck sitting in it.

All of us had something in common yesterday: things did not turn out how we planned them.
We don't plan on being in our early thirties and having our dad die.


We don't look at our monthly budget and think to ourselves "Let's see....Monday would be a good day to have the car break down and need major work done on it...."
And, from previous experience, no one plans on having the toilet back up to the point of no return.





We all have things happen in life that are unexpected. Sure, there are those great unexpected finds: "Five dollars in a pair of jeans!" or "I lost 3 pounds? Overnight??" or "Hey, I found a extra frozen pizza in the freezer--no making supper tonight!"


But, it seems the changes that hit us hardest are the unpleasant ones.
I want to be able to look at those changes and remind myself, over and over again, that the Lord foresees all these changes in my plans, my day, my life's adventures. And not only does He foresee these things, He has allowed them.

To refine me.

To challenge me.
To glorify Himself.



I pray that when changes occur, I look past the initial shock and look to Him. To Him who controls all things.

And who knows what is best for us.

No matter what that might be.


Kristin

A Poem by Amy

I wrote this for a friend who is having a baby this year.  I haven't written a poem since high school, so this was fun to try again. 

Happy Friday!



When That Baby Gets Here


Five little words
You've probably heard quite a bit
Maybe so much so
You'd like to throw a fit.

"When That Baby Gets Here"
This & that & such are going to change
Oh, but if you only knew
The height & depth & range

Of what was really going to happen

Once your precious package arrives

Things of great proportion

Things of gigantic size

But the real surprise is

They come in something so small

So tiny, so sweet,

So dependent for all. 

Trusting in you to supply his every need

To clothe & bathe & diaper & feed

The joy of warmth when cuddling, asleep

The running to soothe every little squeek & peep

A child of God looking up at you
Specially made from the joining of two.
For you to love & teach & raise him so
Someday His Great Creator he can follow

A piece of each of you entwined together
To make a new soul that will last forever.
On loan from God, your precious gift will be
How will you write his history?

'When That Baby Gets Here'
Is the start of something grand
Part of your purpose,
Part of His plan.

Your heart will swell with thankfulness & cheer
And soon enough
Your baby will be here.

Photo Credit

Bloom Where You're Planted

We finally got rid of it. The towering blossom I've been nursing along since April. It was as tall as my kitchen window. And, it could barely stand up by itself anymore because its base was too small with not enough room to grow out its roots; a tiny hand-painted pot that would have been better suited for some other flower, and by 'other' I really mean shorter.

But this flower of ours, this leaning-tower-of-daisies, definitely gets an A+ for effort. It grew and grew and grew AND GREW...and then finally bloomed some time in the beginning of July. Despite the undersized pot it had been planted in. What kind of teacher plants tall daisies in a mini-pot for a 2nd grade Mother's Day project? At least we were successful in getting blooms this year - last year's Mother's Day project never bloomed because my daughter had unfortunately planted the seeds too deeply under the dirt.

But back to this year's flower - it definitely bloomed where it was planted! Now, maybe you've heard that phrase before but my daily reminder of it for the past 4+ months has made me think of some interesting reflections on this phrase and what it means to us as children of God.



You see, God refers to us as flowers a few times:
- In Matthew 6:28 we're told to not worry about clothing because God clothes the lillies of the field, and does so with more glory than Solomon was ever clothed in.

- Hosea 14:5 refers to Israel as blossoming like lillies if they return to God and repent.

- In Psalm 103:15 God says we flourish as flowers of the field, but once the flowers are gone, the place they once were acknowledges them no more.



What insights did my summertime window decor give me?

1) Our flower didn't think "If I can't grow in the most beautiful garden, I'm not gonna grow at all." 
How many of us Christians think we have to be going to a beautifully decorated and wonderfully managed church or have a charasmatic preacher or have to do a study by a well-known author in order to grow in God's word? Or, how many of us fall into the trap of saying things like "Someday when this or that happens I'll do better with my daily devotions" or "If I only had this or that I could be more devoted in my walk." When we do these things we're acting just like a brazen flower bold enough to say to God "I'm not gonna grow here!"

2) Our flower didn't worry about its water supply, sunlight, or dirt. It relied on us for its daily needs.
God's grace is given to us on a daily basis, on an as-needed basis. Why do we think God should give us an advance on the grace we will receive from Him in the days ahead? Would it have made sense for me to give the flower all it's supply of water for the summer back in the month April? Why do we then think God should give us any more grace than what we need for getting through TODAY. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "His grace is sufficient"...and that means sufficient for today. This also means we need to be close to God each day to fill up on His 'dose' of grace for us.

3) On days when sunlight was scarce our flower didn't start growing towards our indoor lighting and give up completely on sunlight. Even though it was a cloudy and subdued-sun day, our flower knew sunlight was still best for its growth.
The only thing that will help us grow is His Light, His Son. And we need to rely on Him even when we feel (or it may appear) that something else would be better for us, something of this world. Like a large savings account to save us when we lose our job. Or a TV show to make us feel like we have meaningful relationships. Alcohol or drugs to soothe our worries. Busyness to drown out the lonliness. Nothing will help us except for Jesus Christ. Nothing will fill the emptiness like Jesus Christ. Nothing will satisfy us but Him. He is our source of life, just as sunlight and water are life to a flower.

Photo Credit

Just like the flowers in the field obey His command,

we should be blooming wherever HE has planted us.

Whatever season we are in right now,

God expects us to turn our faces toward Him,

just as a flower turns towards the sun,

to receive our life and strength.

Then others around us can enjoy our beauty;

beauty that reflects the care of our Creator,

the power of our Maker,

the faithfulness of our Sustainer.

Bloom, sister, bloom

and bring glory to your Father.

Here's my little flower holding her flower. :)

Trying to be better

I want to be a better mom.
I want to be a better follower of Christ.
I want to be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend.

And yet I still snap at my kids.
I forgo my devotions for a trip to Target.
I get angry with my husband when he forgets, just once, to empty the garbage at night.

I fail miserably. Daily, it seems.

But, there's something in the "wanting".
I think the day I decide I don't want any of those things any more is the day I'm truly in trouble


So, I continue to strive. I go to bed each night with hopes for a new day tomorrow: a day with fruitful conversations with my children. A day of revelation from His word in a way I had never seen before. A day when I think of myself last and others first and give what I can to help them.

I continue to try.
Because when I continue to try, breakthroughs happen. Changes happen. Character is transformed and knowing God gets sweeter.

Here's to tomorrow.

---Kristin

There's a Safety Pin Holding My Pants Shut

I've had the privilege of sharing my testimony a handful of times over the past few years. One of those times, I opened with this line: "There's a safety pin holding my pants shut."

I couldn't help it. For starters, it was true. I really had busted the closure on my favorite pair of trouser jeans, and as nervous as I was, wasn't about to wear anything but the clothes I loved most -- broken or not. On my way up to the podium, I had an overwhelming sense that I might give the women in the audience the impression that my life is easy, breezy perfect. A succinctly edited 30 minute narrative could certainly give that impression, particularly when there's a happy ending like Josiah and Isaiah, my boys, on display.

So, I told them about the safety pin holding my pants shut.

The point behind that safety pin comes up often. It's in my conversations with a dear friend who's struggling to be a godly mother and wife alongside a husband who doesn't share her faith. "You just don't know the blessings you have," she'll always say. It's prevalent in the underlying views of another dear friend, who's leveled me more than once during discussions about marriage when she says, "You and Andy just don't have the problems the rest of us do." It rises up again when still another dear friend, who wishes she could quit her job and be home with her kids full-time says, "You have no idea have good you've got it."

Actually, I do. I'm desperately grateful to my Father for blessing so abundantly someone as truly undeserving as me. Everywhere I turn, I'm confronted with yet another way my Father has chosen to demonstrate His love for me. It makes me shake my head in wonder more than a few times a day.

This summer our pastor has been teaching out of Genesis during Sunday school. He's focusing solely on chapters 12 through 24, the life of Abraham. Last week we lighted on chapter 16, which opens with this revealing information: "Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, 'The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant, perhaps I can build a family through her.'"

No pastor can bring up Genesis 16 without mentioning the all-consuming nature of the I-word -- infertility. Pastor Randy was no different, and while he thoroughly outlined the cultural significance of bearing children and the unending cycle of anticipation and disappointment, I did the same thing I usually do -- I forced my face blank, which isn't all that easy since Sarai-turned-Sarah and I are kindred spirits, laughing and all.

My face didn't remain blank long. As Pastor Randy's message unfolded, his overall point nearly made my jaw drop because of its piercingly accurate truth: focusing on the one thing God has withheld from us becomes an obsession, the likes of which we cannot see anything else through. It distorts our vision to the point we overlook the safety pin holding the pants together.

We see perfection instead of real people living real lives fraught with real consequences. Sarah saw Hagar that way, a genius solution to a lifelong problem. The maidservant was swiftly thrust into the drama as Abram's second wife and things went sour when Hagar became pregnant. She lorded the forthcoming child over Sarah. Sarah, in turn, lashed out at Abram and mistreated Hagar.

I've wondered since Pastor Randy's message if things might have been different for Sarah if she had been able to focus on the blessings God had already given her. God's plan wasn't thwarted in the least by her grumbling -- she still received the long-awaited child --, but perhaps her life before Isaac could have been less painful. I'll never know, but I do know that my friends are right -- I am extremely blessed. More than they or anyone else could know. Like Sarah, my greatest blessings have been born from my greatest heartaches. I suspect Sarah and I aren't the only ones.

I'll most likely keep spilling the beans about things like the safety pin holding my pants shut. It's my way of preventing others -- and myself -- from thinking that I've got it all together. It's a challenge not to focus on the thing God has withheld in your life -- like a working zipper --, but giving thanks for the things He has provided -- like a spiffy pair of jeans -- goes a long way to keeping our vision fixed where it singularly belongs -- on Jesus.

On being thankful

My oldest son got mixed up at snack time today. In other families, this would not be a big deal. In our family, it's a huge deal.
My oldest son took a bite of his brother's cookie. And immediately, he had second thoughts about going on and eating something without asking us first because he called to myself and my husband Nate "What does my cookie look like?" Nate and I looked at each other (we were in the other room).
"Phin's cookie is a wafer cookie and yours is the oatmeal one." We heard Isaiah start to panic.
We ran downstairs and saw a bite missing from Phin's.
Isaiah is allergic to wheat. He's allergic to peanuts, eggs and peas too. We weren't sure if those things were in those cookies, but we knew there would be wheat in them. My husband grabbed the Benadryl and gave it to a crying Isaiah and he gulped it down.
Then we watched him.
I'm not sure what Nate was thinking during this time, but I know what I was thinking: "Just let him be okay, just let him be okay......"
You know when you get a bag of flour from the grocery store and you bring it home and pour it into its canister? Isaiah can't even be one room away from that process or his eyes will swell up and he'll have an allergic reaction. We have to give him Benadryl just from being around flour at times. Who knew what would happen once he had digested it?
So, we waited. We waited for Isaiah to stop crying. We waited for the Benadryl to do its job. And were grateful.
He did fine. He recovered beautifully. Tonight you wouldn't even guess there had been anything wrong today.
As parents, we pray for protection for our children. I believe there are many things that happen all around us, all day long, where the Lord is protecting our kids. We just don't see it.
Today I got to see it.
I got to see how the Lord protected Isaiah.
He gave him the instinct to ask us about his snack.
What would have happened if he had taken more than that first bite? We don't have to know that answer.
I'm so thankful tonight. Thankful that I love my kids. I love my kids so much. I do whatever I can to protect them.
But the Lord loves them more.

On waiting....

Our roof leaked.

So, we wait. We've been getting a lot of rain around here and knew there was a problem with it. We had a roofer take a look and he applied what he called a "band aid". It didn't work.

We wait until we hear what the next steps are. New roof? Was there more damage done than originally thought? Or will it be an "easy" fix just around the chimney? We know we need it fixed. We know it will cost money. And that's about all we know.

So, like I said, we wait.

I started thinking of times in my life when I've waited. I waited for my husband to propose to me. I waited to hear each of my boys' first cries after being born, assuring me they were okay and into the world. I've waited for illnesses to pass. For birthdays to come. I realized I have spent a lot of my life waiting.

And each of those times, an answer or an event came. And passed. And I wasn't completely shattered. Not even once. In fact, there are some instances when I am glad that the Lord made me wait. Am thankful for it now.

I also started thinking about friends. I thought of my friend who wants to do the Lord's work overseas but just can't find enough funds for her mission work. I think of my friends that have waited, waited, waited to have a baby. Or those that have, and still are, waiting to find a mate. I think of "mom friends" that wait for a diagnosis for their child. We wait in line at the grocery store. We wait for so many things.

And then I think of my boys. They wait for snack time. They wait for their punishments to pass. They wait to go to Grandpa and Grandma's house. They wait for Tuesdays to come (Tuesdays mean video game day and since it's summer, Wipeout is on TV too--a very big day for the kids....)

We all wait. And how we wait can say a lot about us. And it can be a testament of what and Who we believe in.

Those of us with kids know that they look at us and copy us, whether we like them to or not. They are watching me as I wait to hear news on the roofing situation. I believe my boys understand these things: 1. Our roof has a leak and that's a bad thing. 2. My oldest, because of respiratory issues, has to be gone while part of the interior gets fixed. 3. It's going to cost us money. They don't have a huge understanding of money, but I think they are getting the idea of how expensive this might be because of some hushed (and admittedly, not so hushed) conversations between Mommy and Daddy.

I have not shown them an example of peaceful waiting. I have not shown them very well that there are times when we don't have all the answers, that they will come, and that the Lord will be glorified, no matter what the answer may be. I have tried, and may have succeeded at times, to show a peaceful wait in progress, but most of the time, what they have seen from me is an anxious heart.

I know I have friends praying for us and I feel them right now. Oh, to have a community that prays for us! For friends that not only check on us to see how we are doing emotionally, but friends that invite us to move in with them if we have to for a bit, for friends that just want to be there to support us. We are so blessed.

With those blessings in mind, this afternoon I am restful. And peaceful. The Lord will provide for us as he graciously has in the past.

We don't know what the answers will be. But, we trust that it is for the good of those of us in this house that love Him.

His will be done.

Kristin