Ugly, Angry Prego Momma

Well, she's back. 

The Ugly, Angry, Prego Momma side of me. 

I hate that lady.

She's so whiney.  And crabby.  And angry. 

About the little things. 
About things she's had to say what seems like 1,000 times during the day. 
About stuff laying around.
About feeling crummy.

It's ugly.

I was really hoping to miss out on seeing this gal again for this last time of being pregnant. 

But no. 

She's reared her ugly head again.  And I'm sure I'll be seeing her again tomorrow night.  And the next night.  And the next. 

See, she usually shows up at night when I start feeling yucky.  And because hubby has grown accustomed to doing whatever he needs to (sometimes it feels like 'whatever he'd like to' but I know better) during the evening hours so I end up here wrestling with her all alone.  That angry wench.

Well, not quite all alone.

There's Someone else here to help me.

But she's strong.  She's nasty.  And she's A-N-G-R-Y!

But He is stronger.  And He is faithful.  He will help get me through.  And He will forgive me if/when I let her win.


Psalm 16
Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. 
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." 
As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. 
The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. 
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. 
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. 
I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, 
because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. 
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

His mercies are new every morning....

I'm banking on it.
His mercies need to be new each morning.

And, as a mom, so do mine.

Last night, my husband and I crashed on our couch. Our child, our dear child, whom we love, was still wailing because of a consequence we handed him.
Frankly, we were all out of consequences. I mean, we were out. We were both stressed out, frustrated, angry and just wondering how on earth our child could be so naughty. In one day! I mean, he seemed to have crossed every bridge on the disobedience road. He crossed it with vengeance. We took away about every privilege we could. We threw away toys. I mean, it was like a new version of disobedience entered and would. not. leave.

My husband and I sat in silence for a while, waiting for the wailing to die down. We were both hoping the other person would be the one to climb the steps to deal with the crying child, but neither of us were moving. We were both upset. It was good to sit still for a while.

Then, finally, I got up. I hauled myself up the steps, up his ladder and into his top bunk. His crying had died down. He was still angry. So was I.

So I scratched his back. It was all I knew how to do anymore. I couldn't talk reason to him. I couldn't go back through what the day had been like. I couldn't even really address the situation that was making him cry so hard.

I just scratched.

Then I came downstairs again and I said to my husband "His mercies are new every morning...."
trying to reassure myself that His mercy towards me, when I lost my cool, when I got angry, when I was at my wit's end, would come again tomorrow morning. And that His mercies would reach my child as well.

Then my wise husband looked at me and reminded me: "Yours need to be new every morning too."

This morning I woke up and I was still frustrated. I was tired. I wanted to stay in bed.

But, I got up. And I went on a walk by myself. I was dreading the day, and I wrestled with the Lord a bit while I sweated my way back home.
"I have no control over him."
"If this is how he acts at this age, what is he going to be like later, in his teens?"
"What if I have to join one of those support groups when I'm older, those groups of Christian women who pray for their wayward children?"
"I don't know what to do!! I can't get him to obey me! I can't change his heart! I can't....."

And it hit me. That's just it.
I can't.

I can steer. I can inform. I can give consequences. I can give praise.
But I can't make him do what I want him to. What I hope he will do.
I can't be in control of all his actions.

I thought of my 1-year-old. I have a lot of control over that kiddo. I can pick him up and move him. I can put him in another room. There's not a whole lot of "heart issues" I have to work on with him.
It's a different story with my 3 and 5-year-olds.
I thought I had longer. But I don't. They want their own ways. Just like I do. And I watch them pursue their ways. By bullying their brothers. By being unkind. By lying. And it's painful.

So I need to pray. Pray for their hearts. Pray for their salvation. Pray for my own heart--that I would be forgiving. I would be merciful. I would be peaceful even when they are not.

Today there were still struggles, but not as many. Or, maybe there were as many, but the Lord graciously gave me a heaping helping of peace today.
Either way, I'm thankful for those mercies of His.

Kristin

Our children

There has been some drama in our neighborhood this past year.
They have put in a group home for mentally challenged young adults next door to our house. In fact, it's RIGHT next door. There's maybe a dozen feet that separates our wall and theirs.
The neighborhood was all a twitter. Meetings were held. Details shared. Views discussed.
What will this do to property value?
What will happen about all the lack of parking there is already on this crowded street in the middle of town?
What exactly does "mentally challenged" mean?

Lots of questions by our neighborhood.

Nate and I had decided that throughout this process, the Lord knew who would be moving in next door. Those neighbors of ours are there for a reason. The Lord planted us beside a kind couple just north of us and they have become "bonus grandparents" for our three boys. We have been stuck beside neighbors that have hated us, though too.
We get that when it comes to neighbors, you are at the Lord's mercy.
We were reminded of that again when we found out the plans for next door.

We have watched it form before our very eyes. We saw them dig. We saw them frame. For a mother of three boys, I almost wanted to send them a thank-you note for just keeping my kids occupied and fascinated the past couple months.

Today was the offical ribbon cutting. We showed up with various officials and various workers all wanting to tour the new facility. As we all assembled in front of the house to hear different people talk about their hopes for this new residence, I was struck especially about what one man's story.

He told the story of his son, who has autism. He talked about being away from his wife on a trip and her going to the doctor without him with his son. When she talked with him on the phone that night, he received the blow: his son had autism, the prospects didn't look good and it was even suggested that it was the mother's fault: that she had done something during her pregnancy to cause it.

He pointed to his wife crying a few feet away from me, whom I am sure was feeling a range of emotions as she remembered that appointment, that phone call and now here she was at this house. He explained that this has been a dream of theirs: a place for their son to live and thrive.
I was touched. I choked back a couple tears looking at my two boys standing beside me. By the grace of God, it wasn't my story.

We toured the home. One bedroom has heated floors because the resident who would live there doesn't like furniture. One bedroom is a lovely shade of purple: the color picked out by the only female that will live there. We were able to visit again with the manager of the place who took us on the tour himself. We met one of our new neighbors: Franklin, who apparently loves kids and looked directly at Phin and spoke to him in a way I didn't understand, but Phin smiled at him and said "hello" anyway, after a little urge from mom. There's a swing set in the back yard. We talked with the mom who stood crying earlier and she explained that if we heard swinging in the middle of the night, it would probably be her son.

Our neighbors next door became real to all of us today. We talked with them. We saw their parents. We looked at where they would be eating their meals.

We don't know our role yet as neighbors, but we will do what we can to make sure they know there are people next door who respect them, love Jesus, and will do what we can to help.


Kristin

This is not what I had planned

Yesterday was an interesting day.
I found out a childhood friend of mine lost her father to cancer.
Our radiator broke in our van and left Nate and the boys stranded across town.
I went on a walk and saw someone's driveway with the "Round the Clock Drainmasters" truck sitting in it.

All of us had something in common yesterday: things did not turn out how we planned them.
We don't plan on being in our early thirties and having our dad die.


We don't look at our monthly budget and think to ourselves "Let's see....Monday would be a good day to have the car break down and need major work done on it...."
And, from previous experience, no one plans on having the toilet back up to the point of no return.





We all have things happen in life that are unexpected. Sure, there are those great unexpected finds: "Five dollars in a pair of jeans!" or "I lost 3 pounds? Overnight??" or "Hey, I found a extra frozen pizza in the freezer--no making supper tonight!"


But, it seems the changes that hit us hardest are the unpleasant ones.
I want to be able to look at those changes and remind myself, over and over again, that the Lord foresees all these changes in my plans, my day, my life's adventures. And not only does He foresee these things, He has allowed them.

To refine me.

To challenge me.
To glorify Himself.



I pray that when changes occur, I look past the initial shock and look to Him. To Him who controls all things.

And who knows what is best for us.

No matter what that might be.


Kristin

A Poem by Amy

I wrote this for a friend who is having a baby this year.  I haven't written a poem since high school, so this was fun to try again. 

Happy Friday!



When That Baby Gets Here


Five little words
You've probably heard quite a bit
Maybe so much so
You'd like to throw a fit.

"When That Baby Gets Here"
This & that & such are going to change
Oh, but if you only knew
The height & depth & range

Of what was really going to happen

Once your precious package arrives

Things of great proportion

Things of gigantic size

But the real surprise is

They come in something so small

So tiny, so sweet,

So dependent for all. 

Trusting in you to supply his every need

To clothe & bathe & diaper & feed

The joy of warmth when cuddling, asleep

The running to soothe every little squeek & peep

A child of God looking up at you
Specially made from the joining of two.
For you to love & teach & raise him so
Someday His Great Creator he can follow

A piece of each of you entwined together
To make a new soul that will last forever.
On loan from God, your precious gift will be
How will you write his history?

'When That Baby Gets Here'
Is the start of something grand
Part of your purpose,
Part of His plan.

Your heart will swell with thankfulness & cheer
And soon enough
Your baby will be here.

Photo Credit

Bloom Where You're Planted

We finally got rid of it. The towering blossom I've been nursing along since April. It was as tall as my kitchen window. And, it could barely stand up by itself anymore because its base was too small with not enough room to grow out its roots; a tiny hand-painted pot that would have been better suited for some other flower, and by 'other' I really mean shorter.

But this flower of ours, this leaning-tower-of-daisies, definitely gets an A+ for effort. It grew and grew and grew AND GREW...and then finally bloomed some time in the beginning of July. Despite the undersized pot it had been planted in. What kind of teacher plants tall daisies in a mini-pot for a 2nd grade Mother's Day project? At least we were successful in getting blooms this year - last year's Mother's Day project never bloomed because my daughter had unfortunately planted the seeds too deeply under the dirt.

But back to this year's flower - it definitely bloomed where it was planted! Now, maybe you've heard that phrase before but my daily reminder of it for the past 4+ months has made me think of some interesting reflections on this phrase and what it means to us as children of God.



You see, God refers to us as flowers a few times:
- In Matthew 6:28 we're told to not worry about clothing because God clothes the lillies of the field, and does so with more glory than Solomon was ever clothed in.

- Hosea 14:5 refers to Israel as blossoming like lillies if they return to God and repent.

- In Psalm 103:15 God says we flourish as flowers of the field, but once the flowers are gone, the place they once were acknowledges them no more.



What insights did my summertime window decor give me?

1) Our flower didn't think "If I can't grow in the most beautiful garden, I'm not gonna grow at all." 
How many of us Christians think we have to be going to a beautifully decorated and wonderfully managed church or have a charasmatic preacher or have to do a study by a well-known author in order to grow in God's word? Or, how many of us fall into the trap of saying things like "Someday when this or that happens I'll do better with my daily devotions" or "If I only had this or that I could be more devoted in my walk." When we do these things we're acting just like a brazen flower bold enough to say to God "I'm not gonna grow here!"

2) Our flower didn't worry about its water supply, sunlight, or dirt. It relied on us for its daily needs.
God's grace is given to us on a daily basis, on an as-needed basis. Why do we think God should give us an advance on the grace we will receive from Him in the days ahead? Would it have made sense for me to give the flower all it's supply of water for the summer back in the month April? Why do we then think God should give us any more grace than what we need for getting through TODAY. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "His grace is sufficient"...and that means sufficient for today. This also means we need to be close to God each day to fill up on His 'dose' of grace for us.

3) On days when sunlight was scarce our flower didn't start growing towards our indoor lighting and give up completely on sunlight. Even though it was a cloudy and subdued-sun day, our flower knew sunlight was still best for its growth.
The only thing that will help us grow is His Light, His Son. And we need to rely on Him even when we feel (or it may appear) that something else would be better for us, something of this world. Like a large savings account to save us when we lose our job. Or a TV show to make us feel like we have meaningful relationships. Alcohol or drugs to soothe our worries. Busyness to drown out the lonliness. Nothing will help us except for Jesus Christ. Nothing will fill the emptiness like Jesus Christ. Nothing will satisfy us but Him. He is our source of life, just as sunlight and water are life to a flower.

Photo Credit

Just like the flowers in the field obey His command,

we should be blooming wherever HE has planted us.

Whatever season we are in right now,

God expects us to turn our faces toward Him,

just as a flower turns towards the sun,

to receive our life and strength.

Then others around us can enjoy our beauty;

beauty that reflects the care of our Creator,

the power of our Maker,

the faithfulness of our Sustainer.

Bloom, sister, bloom

and bring glory to your Father.

Here's my little flower holding her flower. :)

Trying to be better

I want to be a better mom.
I want to be a better follower of Christ.
I want to be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend.

And yet I still snap at my kids.
I forgo my devotions for a trip to Target.
I get angry with my husband when he forgets, just once, to empty the garbage at night.

I fail miserably. Daily, it seems.

But, there's something in the "wanting".
I think the day I decide I don't want any of those things any more is the day I'm truly in trouble


So, I continue to strive. I go to bed each night with hopes for a new day tomorrow: a day with fruitful conversations with my children. A day of revelation from His word in a way I had never seen before. A day when I think of myself last and others first and give what I can to help them.

I continue to try.
Because when I continue to try, breakthroughs happen. Changes happen. Character is transformed and knowing God gets sweeter.

Here's to tomorrow.

---Kristin